thirteenth of december, two thousand and fifteen.
02:49 

i think if there was a certain time of day that i somewhat relate to the most it would be 02:49. i'm not sure as to why but whenever i look over at my clock late at night, the time of most likelihood to appear would be 02:49. it could always be coincidence 'course (but then again, only a weak mind puts faith in coincidences- ohhh catton ♡) 
so! today i've finished my exams for this semester and the kick of 'ITS CHRISTMAS IN TWELVE DAYS' can finally be embraced fully. i'll be honest, i'm not really in the christmas mood at all but then again i haven't gone christmas shopping yet...i think all the decorations (or maisiuchain in irish, pronounced- mesh shoe con), random ass christmas trees (WITH ALL THE PRETTY FAIRY LIGHTS AND BAUBLESSS), 3 for 2 deals and classic seasonal tunes subliminally ringing through your head while you're out shopping will easily transition me to the jolly, whimsical christmas elf to be. i'm surprised all the ice-skating i've been partaking in hasn't already gotten me excited but i guess it was all done with the ringing message at the back of my head being 'holy shit i'm so fucked for these exams'- WHICH. I CAN SAY NOW, went surprisingly (SO SURPRISINGLY) well. i crammed everything in the night before and i can happily say i shall pass all but one though the one i'm positive i didn't pass was something i was so settled on failing two months ago.
so yeah.
CHRISSSSTMASSSSSS.

and the new year.

i think i might as well do a new year post now (as i do every year, for the past seven years now! yay self made traditions! i'm such a sad person!)
i've privated the majority of my posts on this blog but i've unprivated 2014's new year post for reference: ♡
reading back on that post reminded me of literally how utterly terrible last year was and how much (so much) better this year has been. hilariously enough as i was talking about depression while writing that post, i was pretty much depressed as fuck still but i didn't want to say it. i think up from may this year onwards everything started to look up for me. this year in general was extremely forgiving (but without hints of extreme bitchiness of course cuz reality checks). i'm honestly perfectly fine right now though, incredibly fine in comparison to last year.
i kept a diary during the september of 2014 till january of 2015 and oh boy was i such an attention seeker who hated life so much. i'm pretty surprised that i didn't die but that's always something to be grateful for. from a much better perspective and outlook on things now i can say that i was very much depressed last year and holy shit, saying this now is taking off so much off my chest. i've never been so upset and insecure before in my life until 2014, to the point that thinking back about certain parts of last year feels rather suffocating. i enclosed myself away from everyone who was close to me and spent my nights crying myself to sleep with a ton of alcohol trying to cope with a dying/dead relationship and mid-life crisis at the same time. i'm not going to lie however that it was probably one of the most creative and artistic periods of my life. i've never drawn or written so much but in all fairness everything that was created was grim and depressed as fuck. i never want to be famous for my poetry from last year because i'll definitely be classified as one of those 'cliche' depressed female poets (i really do love you though, sylvia, i really do ♡) but enough about last year.

normally i'd do a tick off of the things i've achieved this year from last years 'to-do in 2015' list but i didn't make one last year (because i was so certain i wasn't going to be alive this year. good job, belle you shithead). so instead, i'm just going to write a few things of what i'm thankful for.

i don't really know how to begin. i hate making sappy blogposts, i really do. i always end up crying at some point and become really melodramatic and then post the post but then read over it a gazillion times and realize how terrible my writing is and then kick myself over why i even posted it in the first place and become paranoid of whoever can/perhaps did read it. i wish i was a better writer and wasn't so much of an over-thinker all the time.

ok, i gotta stop being so negative right now, jesus goddamn christ.

i've met so, so, so much lovely and amazing people this year. after leaving certain people who were close to me last year (for the best 'course) i gradually got to meet new people who are now the new center parts of my life. you know, for being someone whos been seriously too obsessed with the past i think just...'letting go' of things that remind you of the past, in your present, would let you move on so much better. just people who you have to put in more effort to keep in contact with all for the sake because that you've been friends for a long time and you don't want to lose them because they've been there for so long that you're scared of them leaving and life changing if they left- LIKE BOY. THIS WAS ONE OF MY BEST DECISIONS EVER (and i totally did not do the whole cliche burning of old sentiments ritual thing...). for a new start honestly just get rid of everything or anyone who you feel is tying you down. it's not even getting rid- it's more of a 'focus on moving on in your life' and if they bother to try and contact you, you can reciprocate kinda thing. 

but from uni and other eternal things that i'm a part of, the wonderful people i was able to meet because of it  i am seriously just so unbelievably thankful for. thank you all for being friends with me and having wasted your time with my presence, thank you, thank you, thank you.
thank you for my wonderful family who, without a doubt, i would not be alive and happy without. thank you for being there when everyone else wasn't. after last year, i've solidly understood that family is always something that you can always have as a foundation when everything comes crumbling down (gay, i know) but i'm so goddamn fucking lucky and fortunate to be blessed with such a loving and caring family. i honestly owe my everything to all of them (besides my brother because he's a shithead). 

shoutout to the k-pop obsessed little sister and my wonderful, wonderful dad~

it also goes without saying that the departed are very much loved and dearly missed.

i'm just lucky for everything to be honest. i'm not lacking in anything and i tend to take things for granted all the time because i've been blessed my entire life and don't know what's it like to be lacking. i'm an ignorant person but it's because my parents have worked so hard and all my friends and family have been such an amazing support base for me. i am honestly such a fortunate person and i am so, so thankful.

anyway.

i'll make to-do list for 2016 now (and early for once!!)
BUCKET LIST SHIT.

• go back-packing.

i've said this before and so many times after that i've the biggest urge to go travelling lately. it all ties in with the rebirth of my interest in photography and i just literally want to go anywhere new. there are so many tourist attractions that are all overly hyped when theres little hidden gems everywhere else in a country and those things are the things i'm most interested in taking photos of (not to mention the buildings!!! think of the buildings and staircasesssss). i am in dire need of a traveling buddy. 

• practice piano a lot more and know at least ten songs perfectly and off by heart

i've really been procrastinating on piano but it's mostly because i've been so busy with university and sticking in my social life in all the available time slots left over. i'm so dedicated on learning more though and hopefully i'll have to time to in 2016. as a side goal i AT LEAST have to know merry go round of life by the end of 2016. if that doesn't happen, my year as 2016 is a fail.

• write a new story
  i haven't written a major non-fantasy based one before (exclusion of a play i wrote for a program i was in a few years back) so i think it'd be a good way of wrapping around my thoughts and organizing them appropriately. writing blogs is so much different to writing a book. i can say whatever the fuck i want in a blog while in a story you sort of mend the things you want to say to appropriately correlate with the story...does that even make sense? did i even use the word correlate in the right way? it feels like the right word i wanted to use for that context but i'm not sure if it's actually right. whooooops.
• START SINGING AND DANCING MORE + go back to gym routinely.
  i've always been interested in singing and dancing. i actually used to do a lot as a kid but more in regards to asian pop culture (jpop. the bane of my life). recently, this year i wanted to go back dancing and take up a few singing lessons just as a hobby so hopefully i'll sort all of that out next year. with gym, it was something i finally got round to doing this year and my god has it helped with my confidence and mentality in general. i'm honestly a pretty self conscious person and i don't like how i look most of the time but gym helped me improve my appearance with exercise and routine which honestly did make me feel so much better about myself. i'm so dedicated to working on my body more for next year...DIET STARTS 2016 (+ gaining more weight)
• charity work.
  i always write this down every year. my grandparents have always brought me up with the mentality of giving back what you've been given and i've always been meaning to do that with charity work so yeah. hopefully i'll be able to be more active with charities.
• start a garden.
• finish all the goddamn books i've bought in 2015 aka. DON'T BUY MORE UNTIL I'VE READ ALL OF THEM BECAUSE THERE IS NO MORE ROOM ON MY SHELF AND THEY'RE ALL MOSTLY IMPULSE BUYS
• buy a lot more stationary and journals (because i can never have too many and i feel like i am lacking right now)
• (get platinum in a game i'm too obsessed with right now and am too ashamed to name it)
  + focus on cosplaying more..y/n??
• hang out more with grandma before she dies
• get my braces off and be more of a confident person.
• work on not being so much of a heartless bitch all of the time.
• work on not excessively cursing all the time.
  get my shit together and my priorities set, also aka. actually have a proper goal in life now without living everyday as it goes. i'm a terribly unmotivated and uninspired  human being.
  
  
  i think that's a rough of everything that's worth noting.
  i'll edit it once i think of new things.
  anyways. have a wonderful christmas everyone and a hopefully amazing and eventful new year ♡
  
  A.
  (i'd have more relevant photos from this year if i didn't break my laptop last week..)
  05:04