Monday, August 8, 2016


kafka on the shore, haruki murakami.
my favourite quotes.




♡: "even chance meetings are the result of karma"...."that things in life are fated by our previous lives. that even in the smallest events there's no such thing called coincidence".


♡: i stare at this ceaseless, rushing crowd and imagine a time a hundred years from now. in a hundred  years everybody here - me included - will have disappeared from the face of the earth and turned into ashes or dust. a weird thought, but everything in front of me begins to seem unreal, as if a gust of wind could blow it all away.


♡: the term "spirit projection" sprang to mind. are you familiar with t? japanese folk tales are full of this sort of thing, where the soul temporarily leaves the body, goes off a great distance to take care of some vital task and then returns to reunite with the body. the sort of vengeful spirits that populate the tale of genji may be something similar. the notion of the soul not just leaving the body at death but - assuming the will is strong enough - also being able to separate from the body of the living is probably an idea that took root in japan in ancient times. of course, there's no scientific proof of this, and i hesitate even to propose the idea.


♡: but what disgusts me even more are people who have no imagination. the kind t.s. eliot calls 'hollow men'. people who fill up that lack imagination with heartless bits of straw, not even aware of what they're doing, callous people who throw a lot of empty words at you, trying to force you to do what you don't want to. 


♡: "listen, kafka. what you're experiencing now is the motif of many greek tragedies. man doesnt choose fate. fate chooses man. that's the basic world view of greek drama. and the sense of tragedy - according to aristotle - comes, ironically enough, not from the protagonist's weak points but from his good qualities. do you know what i'm getting at? people are drawn deeper into tragedy not by their defects but by their virtues. sophocles' oedipus rex being a great example. oedipus is drawn into tragedy not because of laziness oe stupidity, but because of his courage and honesty. so an inevitable irony results.


♡: from the chair i watch how she carries herself, every motion natural and elegant. i can't express it well, but there's definitely something special about it, as if her retreating figure is trying to tell me something she couldn't express while she is facing me.

♡: "i'm free", i think. i shut my eyes and think hard and deep about how free i am, but can't really understand what it means. all i know is im completely alone. all alone in an unfamiliar place, like some solidary explorer who's lost his compass and his map. is this what it means to be free?


♡: rain falls, something scrambles across the cabin roof and sometimes i hear indescribable sounds i can't explain. i never knew the world was full of so many beautiful, natural sounds.


♡: instead of racing through, i reread parts i think are the most important till i understand them, to get something tangible in them.


♡: theres only one kind of happiness, but misfortune comes in all shapes and sizes. it's as tolstoy said: happiness is an allegory, unhappiness is a story.


♡: oshima doesn't say a word. but his silence encourages me.


♡: the stone itself is meaningless. the situation calls for something, and at this point in time it just happens to be this stone. anton shekhov put it best when he said, "if a pistol appears in a story, eventually its got to be fired". do you know what he meant?


♡: you hold her in your arms, draw her close, kiss her. you can feel the strength deserting her body.


♡: i'm not the one that decides whether that flute turns out to be good or evil, and neither are you. it all depends on when and where i am. in that sense i'm a man entirely with prejudices, like history or the weather- unbiased.


♡: i want to call out to the soldiers in front of me, im not going back, i'm staying. but no voice comes out. words have no life in them.


♡:  "depending on the waves you might never make it back to the surface. so there you are, underwater, pounded by the waves, and there's nothing you can do. flailing around's not going to get you anywhere, you'll just use up your energy. you've never been so scared in your life. but unless you get over that fear you'll never be a real surfer. you have to face death, really get to know it, then overcome it. when you're down in that whirlpool you start thinking about all kinds if things. it's like you get to be friends with death, have a heart-to-heart talk with it".


the book thief, markus zusak.
my favourite quotes.



: my one saving grace is distraction. it keeps me sane.



: "es stimmt nicht", "this isn't happening".



: if you can't imagine it, think clumsy silence. think bits and pieces of floating despair.

and drowning in a train.



: she was good at being furious. in fact, you could say her face was decoared in constant fury.


: schiller strasser. the road of yellow stars.


: the soft spoken words fell off the side of the bed, emptying onto the floor like powder.


: like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.



: it's a lot easier, she realised, to be on the verge of something than to actually be it.



: gott verdammt (god damn it)


: the point is, Ilsa Hermann had decided to make suffering her triumph. when it refused to let go of her, she succumbed to it. she embraced it.


: he seemed to resonate with a kind of confidence that life was still nothing but a joke - an endless succession of football goals, trickery and a constant repertoire of meaningless chatter.


: "es is ja Wahnsinn, net?", "this is crazy, isn't it?"


: she could see the burning light on Max's eggshell face and even taste the human flavour of his words.


: as the book quivered in her lap, the secret sat in her mouth. it made itself comfortable. it crossed its legs.


: "alles ist scheisse", "all is shit".


: "vielen dank, meine Herren", "many thanks, my gentlemen".


: "jawohl", "it sure is".


: "you might well ask just what the hell is he thinking. the answer is probably nothing at all. he'd probably say that he was exercising his God-given right to stupidity"


: when i start thinking like that, i become so exchausted, and i dont have the luxury of indulging fatigue. 


: "prost, madel", "cheers, girl".




: the notes were born on her breath and died at her lips.




: max lifted his head, with great sorrow, and great astonishment. "there were stars", he said. "they burned my eyes".



: the suffering faces of depleted men and women reached across to them, pleading not so much for help - they were beyond that - but for an explanation. just something to subdue this confusion. 


: it kills me sometimes, how people die.


: i don't want to hope for anything any more. i don't want to pray that max is alive and safe. or alex steiner. because the world does not deserve them.


: "es tut mir leid, schatzi", "i'm sorry, darling".


Monday, April 4, 2016

fourth of april, two thousand and sixteen.
10:05




yes, i am writing this at ten am in the morning and i actually did sleep last night.

i woke up at like 05:48 this morning to go to a 9am lecture that i haven't been to in months because i'm in a mood of REFORM AND CHANGE AND BETTER LIFE DECISIONS and shit but my lecturer didn't show up so i feel like life's making fun of me.

i'm writing this in my campus library right now after two hours of doing literally fuck all.
all my assignments were due last week friday (april 1st) and to be honest i've never been so organised in my university life ever. i got an essay due friday done on the monday and everything else was done a day beforehand. like dAMN. 
now i'm pretty bored with uni so i'm actually attending my lectures since i've no assignments due till like never (jk, i don't even know whens my next deadlines at).
so yeah.
in more recent news i wrote a short story for an english module due friday and i decided to make it personal and write it on my recent breakup. what i didn't know was that i actually had to read it in front of the entire tutorial class and dear jesus christ, i was not prepared. that was probably one of my most bittersweet (more bitter) experiences of two thousand and sixteen. you know that horrible sinking feeling when you start reading something feeling hella anxious and nervous and your voice starts quivering and you stutter and you hop over words like no tomorrow and feel like the titanic sinking into impending doom? yeah. that. basically. it was horrible. i stopped reading after three deprived, pitiful lines and had to stop for 10 seconds (probably invoking a wtf was that reaction from my class) and i looked up and apologized saying that i had no clue we had to read this out in front of everyone and i made it all pretty personal. instead of receiving a (hopeful)(kinda expected) "IT'S OK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT OUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO" from the tutor, i got a "IT'S FINE, JUST THINK OF THIS AS HEALING CAMP".
now think...sinking...titanic...impending..doom.....
so after another 960 words all shivered and withered coming from an extremely distraught green haired asian girl, my misery was over and i was nearly on the brink of tears. to be honest the material wasn't that bad. i just wrote about my best friend and i catching up via lunch and sprouted a few over-exaggerated feels here and there. you know, to spice it up but i think it was all too soon. i always get extremely nervous whenever i talk in front of a huge group of people. voice shaking/body shaking, nerves peaking, wanting to cry are all common symptoms i get. it's pretty unfair and one of the reasons why i would like weed to be legalized cuz i need that shit before every presentation i do. 

anyway!
that happened.
i'll probably post the short story soon so you guys can ravel more vividly in my horrible experience. there was an up side though! i actually got to mention my blog afterwards. my tutor asked questions after my story and asked if i wrote in general and i was like "i think about writing a lot more than i do write and when i do write it's not stories or poetry or anything. it's like blogposts and spur of the moment feels". i can't believe i said that. can i just say that in my short story i said 'i'm a stereotypical feels english student'. i'm pretty sure my entire class judged me right then and there. god. if there was a way to become 110% disconnected from a tutorial class i never go to, i've pretty much conquered it. 
anyway, whatever i said after my short story seemed to connect to the one english student guy that i am head over heels for. well, in a more respected way. whatever he writes and how he presents it literally makes me swoon. i've never appreciated someone elses (that i know irl) work more than i have this guy. plus he's pretty good-looking as well but you know. no. i've also admittedly tried to stalk that guy on facebook but he doesn't have one!! god, just how pretentious is this guy? i kid. 
hi there pal

new rat feat le sister. he's the friendliest little guy ever and he's a tight hybrid of two different kinds of rat (which i have completely forgotten from what the pet store worker told me..).
it's my first rat and you can kinda tell the differences with hamsters and rats (i'm a hamster devotee as you guys probably noticed. i had a gerbil before but he's long gone now).
rat's don't make their own little bed with cotton. i threw some fluffs and tuffs of cotton in his cage and he just let it sit there. rats are also a lot more agile and adventurous. this little guy just climbs everywhere and he's so friendly. he's not the most aesthetic looking little thing but i'm way passed that stage for pets and now i just want something that interacts with me affectionately whenever i go home from school/work (god, i sound lonely).
i have also belovedly named him sylvester. 
DUOCHROMEEE

so i've been going on splurges of buying whatever the hell i want (as i always do. god, i spoil myself too much) . i went on an irish website that is exclusively irish for selling goods (adverts.ie) and found a seller that sold wax seals stuff. i'm hopelessly in love with the vintageness of letter writing and all things relating so i just had to get it. it was ten bucks as well which is hella cheap. i sent him payment via letter and decided to write his address in calligraphy for practice. in exchange, he sweetly added a small gift of a almadine garnet (which, from what i read, is a gem that helps sexual urges. thanks sam)
the wax sticks are pretty high quality and the stamp itself looks like a celtic design? correct me if i'm wrong. very nice though, it's actually something i'd use.
LOOK AT ITS FEEEEEET Q

nihonese
// o.o/

i also ordered an alpaca online (it only cost me like four bucks with delivery i think). i ordered one just to see the quality of the alpaca and honestly i'm really impressed. i was expecting it to be lower quality (but bigger in size) however i'm really happy with my purchase (confirming a bulk order soon..). the fur was is pretty soft and there's really no faults with it. 
i also put sesame on top of it because how can i not? it looks like a pegasus for her.



just random other buys i got. i found moomin postcards in arnotts the other day and squealed. moomins are love...moomins are life...
i've been taking up flower arranging lately which has been pretty fun and money wasting (i should save...but blumens..)
alright i have to hop off.
ill continue this (probs wont) later

signing off,
A.