tldr; tangents, tangents, tangents, bumping into ex-boyfriend, tangents, tangents.
i've been so on and off with blogging for the past two years that i now feel particularly awkward just sitting down and thinking of how to start a post.
i've probably started three quarters (or eight ninths) of my posts in these past two years giving excuses as to why i haven't been updating frequently and i can assure you that all of the excuses are always the same (and always the truth, i swear).
i've been so on and off with blogging for the past two years that i now feel particularly awkward just sitting down and thinking of how to start a post.
i've probably started three quarters (or eight ninths) of my posts in these past two years giving excuses as to why i haven't been updating frequently and i can assure you that all of the excuses are always the same (and always the truth, i swear).
-unmotivated. busy. lazy.
i really don't deserve a blog because i take such terrible care of them..but in contrast i deserve all my pet hamsters because i take such wonderful care of them and they're the most adorable little shits ever. that said, i really want a goddamn genuia pig (can i just leave that terrible spelling of guinea there because i'm pissing myself laughing after realizing how bad i spelled that).
anyway! so today i went in to give in an essay ladeedadada and then i went into town to buy hats (because in winter you can never have too many). one of the things about living in dublin and bein' a (pretty much) city chick is that you go to the city nearly every goddamn fucking day (go figure)(and not to mention my university is, indeed, in the city. big shocker). i'm almost sick of going to town at this stage. i know the place inside and out and i feel like there's barely anything new to do there nowadays. i'm also terribly jealous of all the commuters who attend my uni and are experiencing the city for the first time. it really is a splendid place but i'm tired of my habitual lifestyle which functions primarily in town on most productive days.
i've gotten huge splurts of wanderlust lately and i've only instagram to owe it to. seriously, some of those instagram feeds could be used for a professional portfolio and actually get soomewhere. they're ridiculously professional, not to mention outstanding.
i used to be h u g e on photography (even getting one of those fancy ass, big ass, black (ass) DSLRs to look all fancy like). i've left the hobby for a good four years now but i've recently been slowly getting back into it. in contrast, before i used to be huge, huge, huge on nature photography and now i'm utterly obsessed with architectural photography. it comes with its ups and downs- ups being i'm appreciating the little things in life and staring at buildings and ceilings a lot more and acknowledging how fucking amazing man is and what man is capable of. i've also been getting out more with my camera and just wandering about taking photos which is a great way to relax and take a chill pill. downs being i start fangirling over architecture in front of my friends like 'OH MY GOD. DUDE. DUDE. DUUUUUUUDE. JUST LoooOOOOoOOoOoOOoK AT THAT CEILING. HOLY SHIT. OKAY WAIT. WAIT. I GOTTA TAKE A PHOTO, MAN.' *whips out phone that has a camera that takes seven years to load*. another downside is that i don't know anyone else who's into architectural photography so it's a tad lonely at times. i'd love to go on outings with people to take pictures and gush about our shots but alas the time has yet to come. (anyone reading this who is situated in ireland and happens to be in architectural photography and is looking for a architectural photography bff pal to shoot and chill with...COME FORTH AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER).
i've gotten huge splurts of wanderlust lately and i've only instagram to owe it to. seriously, some of those instagram feeds could be used for a professional portfolio and actually get soomewhere. they're ridiculously professional, not to mention outstanding.
i used to be h u g e on photography (even getting one of those fancy ass, big ass, black (ass) DSLRs to look all fancy like). i've left the hobby for a good four years now but i've recently been slowly getting back into it. in contrast, before i used to be huge, huge, huge on nature photography and now i'm utterly obsessed with architectural photography. it comes with its ups and downs- ups being i'm appreciating the little things in life and staring at buildings and ceilings a lot more and acknowledging how fucking amazing man is and what man is capable of. i've also been getting out more with my camera and just wandering about taking photos which is a great way to relax and take a chill pill. downs being i start fangirling over architecture in front of my friends like 'OH MY GOD. DUDE. DUDE. DUUUUUUUDE. JUST LoooOOOOoOOoOoOOoK AT THAT CEILING. HOLY SHIT. OKAY WAIT. WAIT. I GOTTA TAKE A PHOTO, MAN.' *whips out phone that has a camera that takes seven years to load*. another downside is that i don't know anyone else who's into architectural photography so it's a tad lonely at times. i'd love to go on outings with people to take pictures and gush about our shots but alas the time has yet to come. (anyone reading this who is situated in ireland and happens to be in architectural photography and is looking for a architectural photography bff pal to shoot and chill with...COME FORTH AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER).
anyways. i'm way off curve. i always go on random tangents whenever i start writing stuff. once i start talking i talk about ten million other things as well- anything that pops into mind, i just sprout nonsense about. see, it'd be a good thing if i had good things to say, but it's not a good thing so that means i have not good things to say.
also keep in mind i can actually speak proper english and not sprout nonsense like this. i just loosen all the nails whenever i'm on this blog and say things how i want to say it. FREEDOM OF SPEECH YEEEEEA.
also keep in mind i can actually speak proper english and not sprout nonsense like this. i just loosen all the nails whenever i'm on this blog and say things how i want to say it. FREEDOM OF SPEECH YEEEEEA.
OKAY.
ANYWAY,
FRIENDS.
BACK TO THE CHASE.
i went to town, looked for hats, ended up bumping into a couple people from uni (because dublin city is too small of a place for one to not bump into anyone you know), bought a few hats, hair dye (and i'm going lighter because everyone seems to think i have black hair which astounds me every time i hear it. i haven't had black hair since i was onefour), i also got a few comics. confession alert; i've a huge fangirly crush on one of the guys who work at the comic book store, so i always tend to go to the store for more than just get comics..lame, i know. it's one of those silly, teenage type of crushes where you kinda just appreciate the lad and blush pathetically whenever he looks or talks to you (and when he does talk to me, i end up repeating our conversation like 120419051 times in my head afterwards..i'm just that type of person). i bought a poster the other day (other day in my vocab means varying from a few days to a month of two ago..I MEAN WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE) and when he was working with my transaction he said 'what are the chances of this being a harley quinn poster?'..reaction one: HE KNOWS. reaction two: KEEP CALM. BREATHE SLOWLY AND CALMLY. CONTROL THE FLUSH. FUCK, I KNOW I'M BLUSHING. *meltdooooown*. it was cute that he engaged in conversation though. most of the time i'm kinda hurrying in and out of the place as fast as possible. i always feel like i'm being judged whenever i'm at a comic book store, mostly because i'm a female and i'm not extremely into comics so i feel like i'm being judged on my lack of knowledge or someones gonna call me out on being a poser or something...oh the joys of being an over-thinker.
but yeah, he initiated a conversation and told me a story of how his friend got featured on dccomics page for having a really good harley costume.
HE'S ALWAYS SO NICE AND SO HELPFUL AND I KNOW HIS NAME BECAUSE ITS ON THE RECEIPT WHENEVER HE GIVES ME MY RECEIPT AND ITS PRETTY DAMN CREEPY OF ME TO KNOW HIS NAME AND TO HAVE CHECKED CAUSE WHO EVER CHECKS BUT YOOOOO LEAVE ME ALONE.
but yeah, he initiated a conversation and told me a story of how his friend got featured on dccomics page for having a really good harley costume.
HE'S ALWAYS SO NICE AND SO HELPFUL AND I KNOW HIS NAME BECAUSE ITS ON THE RECEIPT WHENEVER HE GIVES ME MY RECEIPT AND ITS PRETTY DAMN CREEPY OF ME TO KNOW HIS NAME AND TO HAVE CHECKED CAUSE WHO EVER CHECKS BUT YOOOOO LEAVE ME ALONE.
he also knows my name from me ordering shit from the store and he does call me by my name (annabelle not belle).
okay.
where was i.
ANYWAY.
TO THE ACTUAL STORY.
you know.
okay.
where was i.
ANYWAY.
TO THE ACTUAL STORY.
you know.
i normally don't have much emotional attachments to people i used to be in a relationship. in short, i normally just despise them and block them from my life completely (basically and shamefully). i don't know why but there hasn't been an ex that i'm actually on good-terms with still bar the one i had my longest relationship with (which lasted about a year and a few months. mind, we were terribly on and off). that relationship was the only exception because it was so on and off that it felt like even after we've broken up, after each time im pretty sure we both felt like we were going to get back together eventually (i can't define how long is eventually). every single 'this is it.' turns into a 'here we go again' and it was quite a tiring cycle, but liberating at the same time. liberating in a sense that after a while the heartache of breaking up was lessened and the 'breaking up' just felt like a break in our relationship, even though we opted for a 'break up' rather than just a 'break'. maybe it was because when you break up with someone, you are no longer in any way obligated to each other while for a relationship break, you are still obligated to each other but you're just seeing less of each other.
anywho, it was quite an emotionally abusive relationship and i've sort of grown enough from then to acknowledge the fact that i had a lot of wrongdoings (so did he, mind) but it's whatever. it's in the past. what sucks is that i'm an abnormally jealous human and i wish i could just be one of those girls who let their boyfriend do whatever they want, talk, hug, be affectionate (but not too affectionate) to any female and be alright with it. but i'm not. or moreso, i really WASn't but i still feel really bad but it's in the past and that's that.
whenever i read a cliche ass, gay ass relationship quotes on tumblr or while scrolling through my facebook feed, i'm always instantly reminded of him and what we had. it's hard to get over someone when everything reminds you of him and when you don't know if it's actually over over or just over (please annabelle, make more sense). see i hate talking about things that i really haven't come to accept or things that i'm not 100% on because i end up blabbering things that i mean and things that i don't mean because i haven't had enough time to realize that 'oh, i do mean this' and 'oh i do mean that'. everything i say is literal mind/thought vomit and i'm basically thinking aloud.
i'm just a terrible person who shouldn't be allowed in relationships.
anywho, it was quite an emotionally abusive relationship and i've sort of grown enough from then to acknowledge the fact that i had a lot of wrongdoings (so did he, mind) but it's whatever. it's in the past. what sucks is that i'm an abnormally jealous human and i wish i could just be one of those girls who let their boyfriend do whatever they want, talk, hug, be affectionate (but not too affectionate) to any female and be alright with it. but i'm not. or moreso, i really WASn't but i still feel really bad but it's in the past and that's that.
whenever i read a cliche ass, gay ass relationship quotes on tumblr or while scrolling through my facebook feed, i'm always instantly reminded of him and what we had. it's hard to get over someone when everything reminds you of him and when you don't know if it's actually over over or just over (please annabelle, make more sense). see i hate talking about things that i really haven't come to accept or things that i'm not 100% on because i end up blabbering things that i mean and things that i don't mean because i haven't had enough time to realize that 'oh, i do mean this' and 'oh i do mean that'. everything i say is literal mind/thought vomit and i'm basically thinking aloud.
i'm just a terrible person who shouldn't be allowed in relationships.
anyway.
(sorry)
this was quite a while back. it's already at the point where we are certainly not ever going to get back together and it's been like this for quite a while now. honestly i'm over (over over) him and we've managed to somehow stay friends or moreso not ignore each other completely. today while shopping i managed to bump into him and his new lovely girlfriend (of two weeks, actually)(she told me, i don't creep) in the middle of the street.
i've bad eyesight so i normally don't recognize anyone i walk past. people's faces are all just blurs but we ended up seeing each other (SOMEHOW) and he stopped to say hi (GODDAMNIT). i'm quite proud of how i handled the situation really and i'm quite proud of how i handled myself during the breakup (the over over breakup) so i had no longing to see him at all and no romantic tendencies towards him at all. it was all quite platonic and proudly so.
i've bad eyesight so i normally don't recognize anyone i walk past. people's faces are all just blurs but we ended up seeing each other (SOMEHOW) and he stopped to say hi (GODDAMNIT). i'm quite proud of how i handled the situation really and i'm quite proud of how i handled myself during the breakup (the over over breakup) so i had no longing to see him at all and no romantic tendencies towards him at all. it was all quite platonic and proudly so.
what affected the most during this whole experience was..i guess, the acknowledgement of how..we're just friends. only friends. i could've been a kid who lived on his street or an old classmate in kindergarden he vacantly remembered. he referred to me as that kind of friend. it was quite impactful to me and maybe that impact was so much that it kinda hurt my feelings (gaaaaaaaaaaay)(excuses, excuses).
b: annabelle?
b: annabelle?
me: ...b?!
b: oh hey! god! it's been so long! i barely caught you there.
me: yeah, its been pretty damn long (ahhaha..ahahah...aha.)
b: what have you been up to?
me: as in today? because i can't really explain the last (i don't remember if i said year or a certain amount of months)(insert time here) haha. i guess a lot has happened.
b: i can imagine. a lots happened as well. oh, this is annabelle by the way *introducing me to da gf*
*awkward smile exchange*
c: hi there i'm c.
b: oh hey! god! it's been so long! i barely caught you there.
me: yeah, its been pretty damn long (ahhaha..ahahah...aha.)
b: what have you been up to?
me: as in today? because i can't really explain the last (i don't remember if i said year or a certain amount of months)(insert time here) haha. i guess a lot has happened.
b: i can imagine. a lots happened as well. oh, this is annabelle by the way *introducing me to da gf*
*awkward smile exchange*
c: hi there i'm c.
me: nice to meetcha, c.
b: belle's my *OBVIOUS HESITATION HERE. VERY OBVIOUS. SO OBVIOUS I WANTED TO BURST OUT IN TEARS BUT LAUGH IN HYSTERICALLY AT THE SAME TIME*...friend from a while back. remember the craft sessions my mom goes to that i told you about, c? yeah, annabelle used to go too
c: oooooh alright, alright, thats coolcool.
b: yeah so. what have up been up to?
me: you already asked me that (ahaha..hahaha..aha)
b: oh yeah, sorry! i'm just so out of it today
me: you and i both
b: yeah, c and i were just about to catch a movie
me: oooh i see. a date?
b: *looking awkward, smiles, looks at c and then back to me* yeah, i guess
me: i guess? are you two not going out or?
b: well it's only been like...
c: two weeks?
b: yeah two weeks, i think?
c: you think?
b: belle's my *OBVIOUS HESITATION HERE. VERY OBVIOUS. SO OBVIOUS I WANTED TO BURST OUT IN TEARS BUT LAUGH IN HYSTERICALLY AT THE SAME TIME*...friend from a while back. remember the craft sessions my mom goes to that i told you about, c? yeah, annabelle used to go too
c: oooooh alright, alright, thats coolcool.
b: yeah so. what have up been up to?
me: you already asked me that (ahaha..hahaha..aha)
b: oh yeah, sorry! i'm just so out of it today
me: you and i both
b: yeah, c and i were just about to catch a movie
me: oooh i see. a date?
b: *looking awkward, smiles, looks at c and then back to me* yeah, i guess
me: i guess? are you two not going out or?
b: well it's only been like...
c: two weeks?
b: yeah two weeks, i think?
c: you think?
b: how am i supposed to know
me: you should get used to him getting times and dates wrong, he tends to do that a lot
c: trust me, i already know but thats alright though. i'm pretty bad myself.
me: aren't you a pair.
b: what about you, belle (DON'T CALL ME THAT)? are you dating anyone now?
me: nope. i'm single. relationship's are a bit too much for me. the last one i was in kinda put me off them.
c: aw don't worry. i'm sure you'll find someone one day. i'm surprised to hear you're single. you look like the taken type.
me: you should get used to him getting times and dates wrong, he tends to do that a lot
c: trust me, i already know but thats alright though. i'm pretty bad myself.
me: aren't you a pair.
b: what about you, belle (DON'T CALL ME THAT)? are you dating anyone now?
me: nope. i'm single. relationship's are a bit too much for me. the last one i was in kinda put me off them.
c: aw don't worry. i'm sure you'll find someone one day. i'm surprised to hear you're single. you look like the taken type.
(WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????)
me: thanks! anyway. i don't mean to delay you guys. have fun watching your movie, i've a bus to catch.
b: alright. it was nice seeing you again, belle (DONT CALL ME THAT)
me: you too.
i think i genuinely meant the 'you too' part. this is all just a reality check that the guy i was madly in love with and was persuaded that he was madly in love with me, has now moved on. i'm spiteful and yet extremely amused. his girlfriend seem so lovely. after dating me, i didn't think he was into that kinda type.
anyway.
amusing happenings of today.
me: thanks! anyway. i don't mean to delay you guys. have fun watching your movie, i've a bus to catch.
b: alright. it was nice seeing you again, belle (DONT CALL ME THAT)
me: you too.
i think i genuinely meant the 'you too' part. this is all just a reality check that the guy i was madly in love with and was persuaded that he was madly in love with me, has now moved on. i'm spiteful and yet extremely amused. his girlfriend seem so lovely. after dating me, i didn't think he was into that kinda type.
anyway.
amusing happenings of today.
i really wrote too much.
