tldr; this isn't an update post like i intended, it just ended to be an angry rant.
god damn it.

so this might be an update post.

i guess it pretty much depends on what i'm actually going to say in this post since i haven't really thought it out.
normally there'd be a natural one month interval between every update post but HEY, HEY IT'S BEEN OVER THIRTEEN MONTHS

{procrastination 13, me 0...UNTIL NOW}

see.

right now i'm having a mid-life crisis trying to think of what i've done these past thirteen months and for some reason i'm just trying to block my memory of everything.

you know,

being a human isn't fair sometimes.

why?

because right now {and subconsciously pretty much all the time} i'm thinking of the past and dwelling on what has already been done and dusted. 

i'm a suffocatingly sentimental person plagued with memories that can't be repeated and that just really needs to stop since it's preventing me from being able to move on with my life. i just don't have enough time to work on my future because i'm just so caught up with everything...NOT MY FUTURE {if i were to take a picture of my english right now, it wouldn't be able to amount to a thousand words because my vocabulary doesn't amount to a thousand words because i'm a dumbass at 3am}.

i've started to sort of...block myself from thinking of the past.

whenever a thought pops up in the form of 'REMEMBER WHEN', my brain literally just blanks and i recoup in a few seconds.

right now as i'm writing all of this, as cringy as it sounds, i feel like my heart is slightly heavy.

i feel like i've so much to get off my chest but whenever i've the opportunity to i just don't avail to it.
everything i'm going to say here is going to be literal word vomit and not an inch of me is willing to re-read any of the nonsense i've already/will type so if you're going to bear with me, i'm tellin' ya now; you're going to lose brain cells. 

i feel like there's a part of me that rejects happiness.
i don't really know how to explain it without sounding so melodramatic but then again i don't really know how to explain it at all {pretty sure late night dysphoria is creeping up on me along with that coffee i had earlier. that was REALLY GOOD COFFEE THOUGH. it was my first time having vietnamese coffee and they put condensed milk in it and i was all like 'WOW CONDENSED MILK. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE'} ok, i'm getting side tracked.

that was really good coffee though.

anyway.

yeah.

i think i'm so used to being in a neutral state of mind that anything that could set me out of that state...i just end up avoiding. i don't do it on purpose though but whenever i actually start to think of it, i sort of sit back and i'm thinking 'what the actual fuck am i doing'.

it's slowly starting to affect areas which i didn't think it would effect. 

there's this one friend i've had for a really long time and all we'd really do is just be sarcastic and bitchy and spiteful towards the world and our life and ourselves and trust me, it really is better than it sounds. now all of a sudden that person is moving on and taking a better step in their life. i'm honestly sincerely happy that they are. i really, really am...but. i guess i'm a selfish person. we became close friends through mutual opinions of pretty much damnation and spitefulness towards everything. he was just someone i was able to say anything to without all the 'WELL LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE' spiel. he let me feel selfishly justified for all of my selfish complaining and he understood everything. that was the sort of mentality we both had. we indulged in our own selfish opinions and thoughts that we wouldn't say to anyone else and we became close through somewhat depression.
now though. this is really selfish of me, isn't it? he's better off now. i'm happy for him but he's just not the person i became close to. people change, of course but can i just have a selfish moment and say that i really miss the person he was before?

i am selfish and i feel somewhat left behind. i am selfish and i wish he never changed. i know i should be happy for him and i really do want to be happy for him and i swear i am happy for him...but i feel like i've lost something really close to me and i'm a terrible person.

even further out in relationships, i befriend people that i know that i will end up stop talking to. i've done it so many times and yet i can't stop. it's a terrible habit. 

i start to become close to people and just as we're at that strong tipping point of friendship, i sort of let go. HEEEEEEEEEEEELLO TRUST ISSUES.
i'm an extremely stubborn person.

like in every sort of arrogant, ignorant end of stubborn.

i want to have the last say in everything. 

i have this constant feeling whenever i'm becoming friends with someone that i know they're going to leave me. i actually don't know but i act like i do know so i can ewjnfwkejfnwekjf prevent myself from getting hurt. everyone does it though. i don't understand why i can't come to terms with certain things when it's blatantly obvious for me. i don't want to realize certain things because i want to remain oblivious.

it's getting to me.

oh dear lord, it's getting to me. 

there's times where i feel like there is something wrong with me.

i don't know why i'm saying all of this now. literally in the evening i was the brightest ray of sunshine damned to this earth and now i'm just a typing wreck with limited english.
i've been great for the longest time and i'm pretty sure this is one of those once offs in a while that i end up slippin' down a slippery slide of emotion and coffee {AND ITS NOT THE GOOD TYPE OF COFFEE IN HAD IN THE EVENING. OH GOD WHY} i'm joking. that was a joke. ha ha ha. i'd really kill for another cup of that coffee.

another thing i wanted to talk about is depression.

WHY IS IT WHENEVER I WRITE ON THIS BLOG I ALWAYS END UP TALKING ABOUT DEPRESSION, GOD DAMN IT.
honestly though, besides tonight i've been pretty damn well. i've been so well that i've started to notice how unwell everyone else really is. i guess i never really noticed since i've been so consumed with myself up until now to notice how shit everything is for other people. i've literally taken a few steps back and the majority of those i know are having a tough time. well define tough. you could say some people are having trouble with legitimate problems and others aren't. in a way that's a really insensitive way to put it right? as in; YOU CAN'T BE SAD OVER THAT, THAT'S NOTHING TO BE SAD OVER. THERE'S WORSE THINGS IN LIFE TO BE SAD OVER. i've extremely mixed opinions on this.
in a way aren't you belittling a person's feelings for getting so upset over a 'trivial' {in your definition} issue? i think over these last few months i've finally learned that it's really okay to be sad, upset and unhappy about things that matter to YOU. don't let that make you feel guilty just because society frown's upon your 'small' problems because fuck that. if it matters to you then it matters. don't push aside your feelings because people tell you to because people don't know what you're going through. if sitting in your room for two nights to sulk is going to make you feel better then do it. you don't need to justify anything.IT'S YOUR LIFE. FUCK JUDGEMENTIVE HUMANS AND FUCK SOCIETY AND FUCK PEOPLE WHO THINK DIFFERENTLY AND FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD THINK DIFFERENTLY AND ACT DIFFERENTLY AND FUCK PEOPLE WHO CORRECT MY SPELLING AND THE WAY I WRITE AND FUCK THE FACT THAT I CAN'T HAVE THE AMAZING VIETNAMESE COFFEE RIGHT NOW AND FUCK POLICE WHO ABUSE THEIR POWER AND FUCK CORRUPT GOVERNMENTS AND FUCK THE FACT I HAVE TO BE UP IN 4 HOURS.

FUCK.

{todays word of the word of the day: fuck}

well i'm feeling dandy right now.

i really trailed off too much there for an opening whoops.
NOW HERE'S WONDERWALL.
DUNDUNDUDNUNDDNUDNDDNUDNDDUNDUDUDNUDNDUN.