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{tldr; happy new years motherfuckers}
maybe i like playing with make-up a bit too much.
i think we can appreciate the fact that im not as ott in comparison to myself in other, more recent years though {oh so forgiving to my face now}.
it's the twenty sixth day of the new year and i might have spent tonight drinking then watching anime and eating noodles and crying over the loss of my hamster...
i think we can appreciate the fact that im not as ott in comparison to myself in other, more recent years though {oh so forgiving to my face now}.
it's the twenty sixth day of the new year and i might have spent tonight drinking then watching anime and eating noodles and crying over the loss of my hamster...
and ironically my hamster died because of noodles.
i'd really rather not elaborate because it was such a gruesome death
{and no, i did not try to eat him}
{and no, i did not try to eat him}
anyways.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
i tried writing this post several times in the past week and i kept reading over what i said and cringing too hard so i deleted it repeatedly.
i've finally come to the conclusion that in order to write this blog post i needed to be rather inebriated and of course i was right.
alcohol is always right.
I APPRECIATE U ALCOHOL, U DA REAL MVP.
I APPRECIATE U ALCOHOL, U DA REAL MVP.
♡
so right now it's 7am and i am taking sips of pure heaven while listening to lana del rey on my old stereo with the lights off and my fairy lights on.
if this isn't the definition of hipster euphoria then i'm dun-fucked for life.
did i just say dun-fucked for life?
did i just say dun-fucked for life?
AHHAHAHAHA.
god speed.
HELLO, HELLOOOOO
C-CAN YOU HEAR ME
I CAN BE YOUR CHINA DOLL
IF YOU LIKE TO SEE ME FALLLLLL
man. i love 'without you' by lana del rey so much.
i'm like swaying like a crazy tippler {half true} to this song and i forever will be.
i'm confused as to why i'm listening to lana right now rather than the killers though.
the killers are fucking awesome.
god speed.
ALRIGHT.
TIME TO TALK ABOUT HOW REMOTELY MEH 2014 WAS.
alright.
how can i put this in a way i haven't put it the last 394u239823u times i tried writing this post and cringing over everything.
well.
alright.
how can i put this in a way i haven't put it the last 394u239823u times i tried writing this post and cringing over everything.
well.
2014 was probably the biggest tipping point in my life so far.
you know, prior to 2014 i thought i've already reached the lowest point of my life so i entered 2014 with high spirits and strong dreams.
did i say dreams? hah. because i dream.
i was extremely lucky to do well in my exams. like, i cannot express that enough. its amazing how well i'm able to do in exams without having to put in so much effort y'know. i think im just complacent about the fact that if i ever wanted to achieve something, i could and it's really yet to back fire me. i know myself that i could be an extremely good student or do well in anything that i wanted if i actually just try but its hard to motivate yourself to do well when the person you wanted to do well for is dead and dusted.
did i say dreams? hah. because i dream.
i was extremely lucky to do well in my exams. like, i cannot express that enough. its amazing how well i'm able to do in exams without having to put in so much effort y'know. i think im just complacent about the fact that if i ever wanted to achieve something, i could and it's really yet to back fire me. i know myself that i could be an extremely good student or do well in anything that i wanted if i actually just try but its hard to motivate yourself to do well when the person you wanted to do well for is dead and dusted.
but that's ok.
LETS GET OUTTA THIS TOWN BABY WE'RE ON FIRRREE
EVERYBODY HERE SEEMS TO BE GOIN' DOWN
IF YOU STICK WITH ME I CAN TAKE YOU HIGHER AND HIGHER
sorry that song just came on and i don't know the name of it but it's a cool song.
ok, where was i.
YEAH.
so yeah, i passed my exams pleasantly {and i really didnt expect to, i legit only studied for two weeks when the course focused on two years of material. two cheers for extremely great short term memory}.
somewhere down the road, everything backfired for a while, people started dying and i was left questionin' my existence for the longest while yadayadayada
somewhere down the road, everything backfired for a while, people started dying and i was left questionin' my existence for the longest while yadayadayada
see.
depression is an idea that i'm never willing to embrace {for myself}.
growing up and having friends with all sorts of mental illness' and i was the one they'd turn to for help. i took a bit of a mental note that i won't ever be like them {HA THAT TURNED OUT WELL}
you end up studying all of that jazz so you feel even more external to mental illness
and then suddenly in the back of your head while your going through a hard time you subconsciously tick off all the boxes for a clinically depressed person but you never pay attention to all the alarm bells goin' off because y'know. once you acknowledge something then you gotta admit somethin' is wrong and i'm not going down that road.
death is an idea i like to entertain myself when i'm soaring down a slope and it's very common in just about anyone.
you just embrace the idea because it gives you relief but 'course a lot of people don't choose to kill themself and coming from a very catholic family; it's unorthodox.
catholic people who commit suicide do not get buried under catholic ground, because it is unorthodox and wrong and against gods will.
well ahahahah.
and then suddenly in the back of your head while your going through a hard time you subconsciously tick off all the boxes for a clinically depressed person but you never pay attention to all the alarm bells goin' off because y'know. once you acknowledge something then you gotta admit somethin' is wrong and i'm not going down that road.
death is an idea i like to entertain myself when i'm soaring down a slope and it's very common in just about anyone.
you just embrace the idea because it gives you relief but 'course a lot of people don't choose to kill themself and coming from a very catholic family; it's unorthodox.
catholic people who commit suicide do not get buried under catholic ground, because it is unorthodox and wrong and against gods will.
well ahahahah.
that's the least on a persons mind when they want to die.
it's okay though.
people die all the time. it's just a matter if you know them or not. right?
not right.
it's okay though.
people die all the time. it's just a matter if you know them or not. right?
not right.
but i'd like to think it's right sometimes but that's just experience talking.
anyways.
i am still alive after being hospitalized for three days so that always says something. i believe that everything happens for a reason. seriously. it's an extremely bad habit of mine and i take too many mental notes for random shit. maybe i believe in karma too much but that's ok. i think it's shapin' me into a 'better' person. i just start to notice the small things too much.
that aside, i ended up losing a few of my best friends but this was by choice.
you'd think that after all these years that i would avoid losing more people but in this circumstance i had to take a step back and access everything.
i always end up putting too much in relationships when i feel like the person is truly worth it. for one person i was friends with for nearly ten years. i used to think that friendship was always based on how long you've known a person so naturally i kept all the friends i've known longest closer to my heart and it's something i've lived with. i could never become too close to someone i haven't known longer than a year.
i ended up investing too much on someone like a sister to me.
she's one of those people who are both heaven and hell and even after so many rough patches we were still very close but it was a strong give and take relationship.
i guess i couldn't take her negativeness anymore. she really couldn't appreciate everything i've done for her and i just noticed that too late.
it's a big step but i decided to stop talking to her.
that aside, i ended up losing a few of my best friends but this was by choice.
you'd think that after all these years that i would avoid losing more people but in this circumstance i had to take a step back and access everything.
i always end up putting too much in relationships when i feel like the person is truly worth it. for one person i was friends with for nearly ten years. i used to think that friendship was always based on how long you've known a person so naturally i kept all the friends i've known longest closer to my heart and it's something i've lived with. i could never become too close to someone i haven't known longer than a year.
i ended up investing too much on someone like a sister to me.
she's one of those people who are both heaven and hell and even after so many rough patches we were still very close but it was a strong give and take relationship.
i guess i couldn't take her negativeness anymore. she really couldn't appreciate everything i've done for her and i just noticed that too late.
it's a big step but i decided to stop talking to her.
i might regret it one day. i might be friends with her again one day but for now i'd like to leave things and just focus more on myself.
is that greedy?
it is. this year though, i hope to clarify things in my life more and 2014 was perfect in setting everything up for me.
everything wasn't all shade though.
after living with my little sister again i think i've been able to open up more to people in an affectionate way. i owe her a lot even though she doesn't know it and i wouldn't hesitate to take a bullet for her.
i have met soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much new people in 2014. last years new years resolution was to meet 50 people and without a doubt i've surpassed that. i like challenging myself too much, i don't know why. i guess i like to see what i can do and what i can't but after going to several meetups by myself surrounded by people i'm completely alien to, i've sort of stepped out of my comfort zone. i've been able to meet so many wonderful people because of it and i'm so thankful since if i hadn't met these people i wouldn't have been able to leave those who were once too close to me.
also.
so yep.
that's my 2014 summed up in a {big} nut shell.
2015, i hope will just give my more clarity in life and what i want to do {even though i'm a bit too far into something i'm not particularly too into..}
is that greedy?
it is. this year though, i hope to clarify things in my life more and 2014 was perfect in setting everything up for me.
everything wasn't all shade though.
after living with my little sister again i think i've been able to open up more to people in an affectionate way. i owe her a lot even though she doesn't know it and i wouldn't hesitate to take a bullet for her.
i have met soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much new people in 2014. last years new years resolution was to meet 50 people and without a doubt i've surpassed that. i like challenging myself too much, i don't know why. i guess i like to see what i can do and what i can't but after going to several meetups by myself surrounded by people i'm completely alien to, i've sort of stepped out of my comfort zone. i've been able to meet so many wonderful people because of it and i'm so thankful since if i hadn't met these people i wouldn't have been able to leave those who were once too close to me.
also.
so yep.
that's my 2014 summed up in a {big} nut shell.
2015, i hope will just give my more clarity in life and what i want to do {even though i'm a bit too far into something i'm not particularly too into..}
but that's ok.
fingers crossed everything works out eventually.
i'll just end this post with 2014 spam.
signing off,
i'll just end this post with 2014 spam.
signing off,
A.
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